Today was okay I guess, went to Holly’s with Beth and rach at lunch.
English was funny I went to sit with Rachel on the other side of the classroom and she said “oh we’re being antisocial” then jasmine came along and I then said “I was trying to be” and she said to me “I don’t know what your problem is” “I don’t have a problem I just don’t like you” I said and she shut up.
She’s the bully I hate her and the way. She traits her so called “friends” she treated me like shit!
Seriously hate this feeling, I hate thinking bad of myself all the time. Why can’t I be normal?
Maybe I’m accepting this illness now..?
You was a cunt to me basically. Nothing much happened as well, in terms of enjoyment and fun. However 2012 threw a lot of experiences at me. I hope now I’m more prepared for 2013 who I pray isn’t a cunt to me.
I cry out for help… it gets me no where.
I suffer in silence… people have a go at me.
So… On the 14th I went to hospital for a medical review.. Didn’t happen the cunty doctor decided he’ll ask me how I’ve planned to kill myself, what the steps I’m going to take are…. I wasn’t happy about that. I’ve never met him before and he just asks me questions like that! Anyway he then said “I may need to be sectioned” apparently I was a “risk” to myself and I just walked out and waited for Mandy (my “mum” but she isn’t a mum) to take me home. She didn’t so I walked for a bit and waited down the road for her. She drove past me 2! Then finally opened her fucking eyes and saw me! Anyway the fact she didn’t help me, I begged her to take me home but she didn’t! Pissed me off.
The next day was bobs birthday and I wasn’t having my fucking cunt of a shitty mum say I ruined his birthday so I put up with the tramp for the day.
Sunday, she pissed me off. 1st she opens the door for me and acts like everythings fine when she didn’t even say sorry for not helping me! I say I don’t want your help and she lets go of the door and gets all pissy! Then accuses me of not taking my pills! When I had. Anyways, later when I finally get home I took the whole pot. About 15/18 ritalin tablets. Walked out at 1pm and get found by the police at 10pm. The police know I’ve overdosed and take me to hospital. I couldn’t sleep had the worst night ever in A&E. On the monday they let me go home, I’m home for 2 minutes and I get knocked around by my “dad”! He’s been hitting me and hurting me for 11years! Since I’ve lived with him. I wasn’t at school monday tuesday or wednesday. All of those days he knocks me around. So by thursday I’ve had enough. He wakes me up by hitting me on thursday so I thought I’m going to school and I’m going to tell someone because enough is enough. In the morning before school he hit’s me to wake me up! Then he grabs hold of me and has his fist ready to hit me! and I just said it’ll be the last time because I’ve had enough. He knew what I meant and he just say’s no one will believe you. I walked to school in the pouring rain. Why would I go into a car with a cunt like him? When I get to school this teacher miss billin knows about the hospital shit and everything and she know’s that alex has hit me in the past but nothing had been done about it. I told her and I refused to go home. She tells social services again, so far I’ve heard nothing from them, they’re shit!
anyways, I’ve ended up staying at this woman called mary-ann, she is like my mum and I can tell her anything! And this morning they took me home because they had plans for today.
Now I’m in my bedroom terrified of what he’s going to do to me. I just want tomorrow to hurry up so I can go back to hers. I hate him! I hope he get’s what he deserves soon.
I don’t have a mum and I don’t have a dad.
She’s useless and just stands there whilst he’s throwing me around.
Right now though, I don’t know what to do? Do I just stay in my room until I can go back to Mary-ann’s? Or what?
I’m so so so scared.
nearly got put in hospital today, because i admitted i’ve had suicide thoughts and had planned how i’d do it. wonderful life i have.
Last night before I went to sleep I was just in floods of tears and thinking why don’t I kill myself… What do I have to loose?
Even though you were taking away from me I’ll never forget you. You should be about 8 months, you should be developing fast, sitting up all on your own and responding when I say your name if you were a girl you was going to be called either Vanessa or Danielle if you was a boy either Alex or Dylan. Not a day goes by when I don’t think of you…I love you and it my sound stupid because I’ve never met you but I do.
Mum calls up and asks how I am and I say I think I’ve hurt my back. Then she has a go at me and tells me I shouldn’t really be saying that because my dad has a bad back. Like what the actual fuck! Just because he’s got a bad back means I can’t tell you when you ask me how I’m feeling! Why bother asking how I feel then?! So when you say you’re sleepy you shouldn’t be able to say that because you know I don’t sleep well? See sounds fucking pathetic! Right now I wish my mum had tumblr to see this because she is just so fucking bang out of order! What happens in the future if I’ve actually really hurt my back? I’m not going to tell you am I because you’ll just have a fucking go. Argh, you’re far from a mum at all. Mums are supposed to be there for her kids. I’m supposed to be able to have girly chats with you and talk to you about things but I can’t not at all because I know you’ll have a fucking go at me. You’re a useless mum.
Lied to my parent’s to get a day off. I’m not ill. I’m so sleepy I can’t stop having nightmares and my hips are so sore from cutting. I want to stop but I just can’t! I hate my life so much, it’s like whatever I do I’m not good enough. People don’t understand mainly because I can’t tell anyone. I have no friends really. The 2 girls I’m with at break and lunch aren’t my friends they bitch about me in front of me on their iPads to each other… I’m not paranoid I’ve seen it. Who can I talk to? Patrik will just smother me like a baby, but that’s only because he’s over protected. I have the stress of school and I have to raise money for Ghana and prom and I can’t be bothered to do anything I can’t be bothered to do my homework my bedroom is a mess I have lost all self esteem. I hate it. I want the old me back.